Printer & the Devil

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When the idea of the 'booklet of bosh' (aping Edward Lear's 'Book of Bosh') took me over, I went to the neighborhood cyber-cafe chap and asked him to refer me to a printer in the Khairatabad locality (I didn't want to go to distant places, since I knew I would have to make several trips). He told me to go to Varun Printers in the gulley beside the Municipal Office.

So, I walked down to the place the same evening to find it a dingy cubby-hole manned by a sweating middle-aged chap working with a client seriously. There was no standing room. Apparently, he isn't into book-publishing….only election posters, office stationery etc. But he was working on a sleek system and the off-set printing machine looked well-oiled.

I learned early in my life not to go by mere looks...

After a few minutes' waiting, I got bold and asked him if I could get a booklet of around 50 pages got up there. He didn't look up, but asked if I have the 'stick' (the latest memory device) with me. I said no. He told me to bring it, still without looking up. I asked him if I could just have a rough estimate of the cost per copy. He looked up and sneered at me (I am not good-looking, unlike my son), and gruffly announced loudly that he is not in the habit of making 'guesses'. I replied that I would bring the damn stick in half an hour. He said he was busy and asked me to come the next morning with it.

I have a sneaking admiration for businessmen (not public servants) who are abrupt in their manner in the fiercely competitive world of Hyderabad. Means they can afford to be that!

Next morning I visited him with the stick in my pocket. He asked me when I wanted the thing to be delivered. I said within a week (the file was growing like sin and I wanted the thing to be wound up before it became a Mahabharat). He said sorry, he was busy till 10th with Election Work. I asked him to refer me to a couple of places. He did so.

One of these places turned out to be a centrally air-conditioned huge work-place oozing pretty girls with mod accents and gleaming machinery. I gave my stick to one of those 'mams' I was referred to. She was sweet as a cooing dove and gave me the sample output of my 50 pages in a few minutes. The thing looked hideous; pagination was garbled, sizing was wrong, and the thing was repulsive. I told her that I can sit down with her and get the thing edited to my satisfaction….but she cooed that that was all she can deliver…they don't do such stuff as I required.

I left the place with the stick back in my pocket and tried a couple of more places; and almost gave up. Then, the 10th of April was gone by and one evening I revisited the Varun Printers. He gave me a knowing smile and bade me sit down beside him and copied the material on his system and asked me to meet him the next day.

The next day he was not as gruff as he earlier was; apparently he went through the damn thing here and there ('sampled the limericist'!) and was intrigued. After a couple of more sittings, he was warming up to me by degrees till yesterday when he was positively 'reverential'. When the cover page was got ready, I was quite happy and so were Sonoo and Sailaja. He made it very sober and dignified (unlike the contents!).

This morning, after he met all my finicky requirements with pleasure, I asked him to put his byline on the back cover...'Printed at Varun Printers' etc as is the custom.

He was a little uneasy, but started typing. Half way through, he demurred and asked me if it was really necessary. I asked him why not. He bent his head down and murmured that the contents looked too 'political' for his good.

The chap had been going through page by page on the sly in his leisure hours!

I smirked and showed him the Foreword by an IAS. He said that he saw it...but still... I told him ok….leave it. He erased it and heaved a huge sigh of relief, and almost touched my feet for letting him off!...

That was when I went to the neighborhood stamp-maker and ordered a rubber stamp: 'for private circulation'...
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P.S. Life is still full of surprises (at age 65+)!

Next day when I went to collect the copies, the owner was absconding, but I found the legend: 'Printed at Varun Printers' etc at the bottom of the back cover of each booklet in the smallest legible font.

I felt that what I wrote was not exactly 'pornography'!

Moreover, instructions were left by the printer to take permission from me to allow an extra copy to be retained by him as "SAMPLE".

The Devil won; as usual!

Unhappy Pauper

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A completely veiled Gandhi Statue's picture with caption "A Gandhi Statue at Petbasheerabad on Medchal Road waits to be unveiled on Friday. As part of the model code of conduct, all Government functions have been stalled during the elections": DC photo banner headline on Page 4 April 18


(With apologies to "Happy Prince" by Oscar Wilde)


'Swallow swallow, little swallow!
Lift the veil, it's too hot';

'I can't do it, I'll be caught,
Dragged before EC; maybe shot'.

'Tell me at least what's on?'
'All make merry with booze and biryan'.

'Who will win and who will lose?'
'Whoever wins, you will lose;

First you get a flowery noose,
Then your limbs broken loose!'

Top of the world

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"No Free Rides: The lady conductor of an APSRTC bus issues tickets to passengers sitting on top of the bus at Maheswaram on Thursday. There was a shortage of buses in the city as many were deployed for election duty": DC Caption of a Color Photo, Page 5 April 17


I begged for a seat, she showed me the roof;
The roof was hot, it hurt my hoof;
Down I got, but I was caught,
The lady was swift, I'd to fork out;
I've no proof.... but this is no spoof!

DC gets it right at last!

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"SHOWBIZ: Actor Celina Jaitley campaigned for Congress hopeful Vibhakar Shastri, grandson of former Prime Minister Lal Bahadur Shastri, who is contesting the Lok Sabha election from Fatehpur seat": Photo caption of a flashy Celina on Page 8, Banner Headline, April 16

DC Editor:

"A comma after Lal B. Shastri,
And one after Vibhakar Shastri,
Prevent the dead man's Ghost
Contest his grandson's seat;
To Hell with Prabhakar Shastri!"

All-in-Ali

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Best Wishes to:

Nafisa Ali, born of Muslim-Catholee,
Wed Sardar Sodhi; Miss India Beauty,
Great Swimmer & a Jockey,
Society lady, now a Samajwadi,
Vying for MP, a wee F-in-the-M-wali!

Shaming Bush's US

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"Qasub's mother permitted to visit her son in Bombay": News Item

"Try once again to get a Pakistani lawyer to defend Qasub": Judge to Public Prosecutor


We don't have a Guantanamo Bay
To tweak meek terrorists every day
Qasub's Bombay's baby
Needs his suckling mommy
Ours's a Modern State he..he..hey!

Naming Game in Etah

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"Quintuplets: A woman gave birth to quintuplets at a hospital in Etah, UP, and the baby boys are hale and healthy": DC News Item with photo of the cute kids on Page 8, Tuesday 14 April
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Naming them's easy in Etah...
Yudhistir, Arjun, Bhim et al

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"The babies have four siblings": Next sentence in DC
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One is Karn of Kunti a la
The girl's name is Dussala

The rest two boy and man:
Duryodhan and Dusshasan

98 more to come.........................
Dussahan, Dussalan, and all welcome!
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For the 96 new arrivals, please look up:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_100_kauravas_names

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Samson vs David

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"Pepsi drags Coke to the Court": News Item


You are a bot of pesticide;
And you a vat of insecticide;
You are a pot coated with soot;
And you a kettle black as a boot!

Honest Iconoclast

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"Sri Ram's idol is a stony doll
Shiv Lingam's a phallic symbol

Jesus' Cross's a wooden stand
Hazrat's Bal a hairy strand

My body is a bloody corpse
Death and Doom writ across

The One Spirit's tough to prove
Till then let's live in Love!"

Nature's Inversions

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"Musharraf's tip was Rs 20,000 for a bill of Rs. 10,000": DC 9 April Front Page Banner


Kite's tail is 10 times head,
Comet's tail is 100 times head,

Prawn's mooch is 1000 times head,
Hanuman's tail can be ANY times head,

Heron's bill is double its tip;
Our Hero's tip's double his bill!

What the Dickens!

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http://home.planet.nl/~aadel/branch/links/pickwick.jpeg

"Charles Dickens's former home Bleak House in Broadstairs, Kent, is up for sale for 2 million Pounds Sterling": News Report

The stairs may be broad but the house is bleak,
The walls are broke, and the roof will leak;
The buyer will be taunted
That the house is haunted
By the ghosts of Winkle, Weller & Mr. Peakweak!



...Posted by Ishani

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Grateful to Ranga Rao IAS

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A billion dollar windfall
Can only change a lifestyle;
But Ranga Rao's phone call
Can lift aloft the Mind-style!

A Lover's sweet nothings
Can tickle her for an hour;
But a book-lover's blessings
Will stay there Forever!

Queen and the Cauliflower

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"US First Lady Michelle Obama broke protocol when she placed her arm around the Queen at the Buckingham Palace": Picture and Report


Folks kneel before me and the Pope
But these Yankees hug me and grope
This Michelle Obama
Like Spencer Diana
Brims with the 'Audacity of a Dope'!

Pet Rage Doggerel

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"A senior Punjab IPS Officer grabbed his security guard's AK-47 and emptied the entire 32-round magazine on two snarling stray dogs and ended up shooting his own gunman in his thigh trying to save his pet dog. He was booked for his cruelty to animals": News item on page 8 DC April 2, 2009

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"But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died."

-- Last stanza of 'An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog' by Oliver Goldsmith

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IPS Officer's Defense:

They tried to kill my dog, they did;
I shot the mutts with his gun, I did;
My dog I saved as I wished, I did;
The poor cur lost his head and thigh, He did!

WE our Relics

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Holy Grail, Wailing Wall,
Dead Sea Scrolls, Hazrat's Bals,

Jesus' Shroud, Gandhi's Blood,
Ram's Mandir, Guru's Harmindar;

We value them all, Strive for all,
Fight for each; Is this they teach?